I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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