Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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