It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
