Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i need some magic done to my vagina
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
as a side note pls kill me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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