I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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