my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
