I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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