Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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