Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
