I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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