the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
