I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
