i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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