So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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