You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
