you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
