No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
