I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
