well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
