Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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