at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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