I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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