she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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