I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
