Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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