Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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