I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
