I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
