I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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