Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
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There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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