and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
