What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
