So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
