dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
