My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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