if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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