So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
