i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
