I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
