Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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