12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
