You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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