The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
