U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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