How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
