Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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