You really coming over, don't trick.
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
