proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
