Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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