We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
