So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Let's get the cat blown out
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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