i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
