oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
