i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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