I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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