god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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