And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
