sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
