im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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