how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
