From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
