My girlfriend figured out who you are.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
