Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
