I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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