i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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