So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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