That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
